date: Wednesday Jun. 25th, 2008 at 6:00pm subject: WHY?! security grid strength: Public status: crappy music: Ecstasy - ATB tags: rant, transformers

I am SO MAD at stupid Cartoon Network. I have to wait another like, 3 friggin' weeks to see the finale of TF: Animated. I WANT TO SEE IT NOW, dammit. But it isn't until July 5.

ARGH. Why would they do this?! WHY?? It's the fucking summer, and I have nothing to do. CARTOON NETWORK, YOU FAIL AT ENTERTAINING PEOPLE.

And I'm PMSing really bad right now. I feel like shit. I should go take a shower right now, but I don't feel like doing crap. Ugh, I fucking hate my period...

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date: Wednesday Jun. 18th, 2008 at 7:50pm subject: SO BORED security grid strength: Public status: frustrated tags: ramble, rant

I really wish my mother would get her friggin' act together. She's just puttering around, doing nothing except sit in front of the computer, move dirt around in the 'garden,' and eat cereal. Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. And as far as I can tell, she's spending money she doesn't have by ordering random shit on the internet. I'm starting to get scared that she's really in debt, because she's always using her credit card for ev-er-y-thing.

I really want to get a job, too. Partially because it would just be something to do during the summer, but mostly because I feel bad asking my mother for money because I know she doesn't have that much. I'm hoping I'll still be able to get a job at my barn, but for some reason or another there's a possibility that I might not be able to get one. I don't really know the reason why, but I really, really hope I'll get lucky. I suspect that my mother is being an ass behind the scenes, because she's always going on about 'how good volunteer work will look on your resume/transcript/whatever the hell it is.'  I don't give a crap how good it will look, I WANT THE MONEY.
I don't want money just to spend it. I'm just sick and tired of having no money what so ever. It makes me feel vulnerable and bad being dependent on someone for everything. In actual fact, I want to start saving up for a car, a decent cell phone (mine is ancient and a total piece of crap), and an Apple laptop (for when I finally need a new one for college in a couple of years). I don't know, I guess you could say that I'm more than ready to control my own life now.

Speaking of saving up for a car, I really want to learn how to drive, and it's pissing me off how reluctant my mother is about letting me get driving lessons. She's always going on about how high insurance rates are for 16 year old drivers. I feel like she's pulling excuses out of her ass to prevent me from becoming any more independent. But seriously, it would take away a lot of the hassle of her driving me everywhere. Plus, she always manages to be late for everything, and it really pisses me off because she doesn't seem to care about the consequences it has on me. I don't know what the hell is with her, but it takes her half a freakin' hour to get out of the door to go somewhere. It's ridiculous. It's not natural. I'm so fucking sick of her and how she's always trying to control my life and how she's always dragging me down and preventing me from becoming more independent.

I feel like it's even harder for me to be patient with the whole situation because I see my oldest brother (who's 26, has a girlfriend and lives in an apartment complex nearby) living on less (at least, I think he is) than my mother is, and he's doing perfectly fine. I mean, I know my mother has to support me and my other brother (18), but if she would be more supportive of me getting a job and taking care of myself and stopped spending money on useless crap, then she would be perfectly fine was well. I just want to get out and do stuff, but I can't because I have no money at all and my mother is always dragging me down. I mean, my 26 year old brother goes to concerts all the time, has tons of video games and like 3 gaming consoles (Playstation 2 I think, a Wii, and an Xbox 360), and yet my mother never has enough money to get food by the end of the month. Something is really wrong with this picture.

I want to do something about all of this, but I can't because my mother is such a fucking retard when it comes to managing money and dealing with life.

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date: Tuesday Jun. 3rd, 2008 at 11:38am subject: (no subject) security grid strength: Public status: okay music: Wrong Galaxy - Shit Robot tags: blurr, random, rant, transformers

I am so fucking done with this school. I love my friends there, I really do, but... I FUCKING HATE THE SCHOOL. I don't ever want to set foot on the campus ever again in my entire life. I'm so sick of everything that has anything to do with that hell-hole. I'm sick of the disgusting, badly prepared crap they expect us to eat. I mean, they can't even make macaroni right. A six year old could make it better with one hand tied behind its back.
It's just... AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU OS. YOU'RE NOT GETTING A SINGLE FUCKING PENNY FROM THIS ALUM.

Anyways, to change the subject drastically...

Last post I said I wanted to cut my hair short and get red streaks in it.

Well, I'm getting my hair cut short on Thursday. BOOYAH. I can't wait; I'm so sick of my long hair right now. I can't do anything with it, and it's a pain in the ass trying to make it look nice. With short hair I'll just be able to be like, fwa-ping, all done, look at my sexiness. Well, ok, maybe not exactly like that, but you know what I mean. I just want to be able to ruffle my hair and do shit with it with gel and just be goofy with it in general.

And in other news... I'm getting Blurr as a late birthday present! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! I heart Blurr so much, he friggin' ROCKS. All I have to do is watch the episode where he first comes in (Reinforcement) and tells the kids to stfu and I feel better, hehe.

Blurr, if you're somehow reading this... CAN YOU COME AND VISIT ME?! AND MAY I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?! Pretty please? ...with energon on top?

~transmit a response add to memory bank transmit to an ally link~

date: Monday May. 12th, 2008 at 4:16pm subject: Armada is a no-no security grid strength: Public status: pissy tags: rant, transformers, wtf

Ok, I gave Armada a chance. I watched up to episode 3.

I'm sorry, but it's way too kiddy and repetitive. Find the Mini-Cons! Oh God, don't let Megatron find them! Ooooohhh!!! Um, no.

Really awesome concept, but really bad execution.

I'm afraid the only thing I liked about Armada were Megatron's and Starscream's designs, and Megatron's voice.

And seriously, those kids are re-tard-ed. If I was Optimus Prime I'd be like, STFU, give me the Mini-Cons, and then you can go on with your pathetic little lives. I mean, God, 12 or not, kids that age are not that fucking stupid. I was not that stupid at 12. Sure, maybe a little immature, hyper, and silly, but I wasn't stupid. Let's see... at 12 I was in... end of 6th grade, most of 7th grade. Uh... That was the best year of my entire academic career so far. That was the year I started writing. My first story was over 100 pages, and I was 12 when I wrote it, and aside from the beginning lacking only because I had just started writing, that story wasn't that damn bad either. STUPID SHOW WRITERS AND THEIR STEREOTYPICAL VIEWS OF CHILDREN. NOT ALL CHILDREN ARE FUCKTARDS, OK?! Well, actually, in America most of them are fucktards, but I won't get in to that.
The kids in Armada are not 12!! They act like 8 year olds! GEEZ, GET YOUR AGES STRAIGHT YOU DOUCHES!

Also, the animation bugged the hell out of me. The transformations were like fucking Sailor Moon- no, actually, they beat Sailor Moon in obnoxiousness because they actually managed to be longer with all the fucking Mini-Con features and crap. C'MON, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU TRANSFORM FOR FIVE MINUTES WHEN I COULD BE SEEING SOME ACTION. And seriously, if transformations took that fucking long, I think every Transformer would have died because they just would have picked each other off while they were transforming.
As for the actual animation... They made the robots move like a Godzilla made of molasses in January. WTF?! They're alien robots, they're allowed to be fast and agile, people.

Ok, I'm done ranting about Armada. I like the concept of the Mini-Cons, it's just the idea was executed horribly and in a very unoriginal way. Armada fans out there, don't kill me. I don't hate Armada, it's just I think it could have been executed in a much more creative and original way. And they could have made the kids more intelligent, and less like the stereotypical dumb-little-kid-that-wants-to-be-a-hero that's in just about every cartoon in existence.

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date: Tuesday Apr. 29th, 2008 at 7:53pm subject: School is the Work of the Friggin' DEVIL, ARGH. security grid strength: Public status: furious music: Kernkraft 400 - Zombie Nation tags: rant

I HATE SCHOOL ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! I just want people to LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE and let me get on with my writing. I'm sick and tired of mofo's breathing down my neck all the time and telling me what to do every second of my life. I WANT TO CONTROL MY OWN LIFE NOW, THANKS.
I'm turning 16 in like, a week, and I'm still playing with the idea of dropping out of school. I don't care what anyone says, school does absolutely NOTHING for me, and I'm not getting ANYTHING out of it. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of all the fucking pressure on me to succeed and get good grades. No one ever considers the fact that maybe I don't want to succeed anymore. I've already proven to myself that I can get First Honors, and that's good enough for me. But now that everyone has seen that I can get straight A's, they expect the world from me, and I CAN'T GIVE IT TO THEM, AND THEY SHOULD KNOW THAT. GOD.
I've been struggling to 'succeed' for 10 motherfucking years now, and I don't want to do it anymore. I know what I'm good at, and I know what I'm bad at, and that should be enough. If the world doesn't like what I happen to be good at, then SCREW IT WITH A POWER TOOL. It's its own fucking loss.

I just want to get out and start living my life. I'm tired of wasting my time slaving over stupid schoolwork and learning things that I'll NEVER EVEN NEED. I DON'T NEED FUCKING CALCULUS TO WRITE STORIES, SO STOP TELLING ME I NEED TO LEARN IT.

I can't even see myself going to school next year. My advisor/dearest mentor won't be there, one of my best friends won't be there... I just can't see it. At least, I can't see myself enjoying anything. All I see is me being a miserable wretch, and I've had my fair share of wretchedness and I don't want anymore, thank you very much.
The only way I can see myself still in school is if I went to a new school next year, but it's way too late for that. (If you're wondering, I'd either go back to Jemicy or Waldorf.)

At this point, I'm just so fucking done with school...

~2 transmissions transmit a response add to memory bank transmit to an ally link~

date: Sunday Apr. 20th, 2008 at 9:14pm subject: (no subject) security grid strength: Public status: depressed tags: rant

I want to get serious about my writing. As in, really serious. Where I go to a favorite coffee shop or library or something and get my ass in gear on my work, and write all day. Problem is, I can't, and I'm close to reaching my breaking point. I can't because school takes up all of my fucking time, it's ridiculous. And, the little problem of not being able to drive, which won't be solved unless I persuade my mom to let me learn how. Which is a stupid question, if you ask me. If I had a 15-going-on-16 daughter that came up to me one day and asked whether I could help her get driving lessons I wouldn't tell her no; I don't want to be her chauffeur any longer than I have to.

It's just... ARGH. I hate school. I'm ready to just fucking graduate and get it over with already. I want to get a job, start life on my own. I know what I want to do, and no amount of education is going to get me there. I'm seriously considering just dropping out of school at the end of this year, since I'll be 16. School offers nothing to me anymore. Just stress to no end. Isn't 10 fucking years of being forced to go to school enough?! If I had had a choice, I wouldn't have been in school since 3rd grade.

I want to just drop out so badly, but my mom would never let me. She's already said that she would kick me out of her house if I did that. So much love and support, eh?
I just don't see the point in getting any more education. I'm not going to use any of this shit that they're shoving down my throat. Who fucking cares in the end whether I completed my education?! Society is stupid to force everyone to get a college degree in order to get a decent job. Just because I'm not 'fully educated' doesn't mean I'm stupid, or not have anything to offer. I have a lot to offer, but everyone just refuses to give me a chance

~2 transmissions transmit a response add to memory bank transmit to an ally link~

date: Tuesday Apr. 1st, 2008 at 8:30pm subject: shoot me plz security grid strength: Public status: depressed tags: ramble, rant

I feel like total shit. I just want to curl up in a ball in a corner and cry. I hate my life. I hate my house. I hate my parents. Everything sucks. I just want to get out, and get away from that house and my stupid ass parents.

I've never felt this depressed and crappy in my entire life. I don't know whether to cry, scream, punch a wall, or kill myself.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've been dumped in a black pit of despair that's so deep I can't see the light or a way out of this fucked up mess that's my miserable life. I don't care if I sound like I'm just another bitchy emo. I can't stand my mother anymore. Hardly anyone understands me. I only have two people I can talk to, and neither of them are family members or a professional.

I'm so tired of all the hate and anger that just surrounds my world like an evil, slimy web. I just want peace and happiness, for myself and every living creature.

I would give up now and just end it all, but I have too much to lose. Too many people and things to just leave behind.

I'm so tired of feeling this lost, hopeless, and depressed all the time. There are times that I am happy, but this depression is always deep in the back of my mind, gnawing at my sanity, dulling the pleasure of life. I've had to deal with it for far too long. I've reached my breaking point, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to prevent myself from shattering into useless ashes, that will scatter in the wind and quickly be forgotten, forever.

But I refuse to let this happen to me. I am better than this. I deserve better than this, even if part of me doesn't think so.

I'm going to get help. I'm going to put all this shit to a stop. No matter what it takes. No matter how hard or dark the path is.

I am going to do all of those things, because of this word: love.

~transmit a response add to memory bank transmit to an ally link~

date: Wednesday Mar. 26th, 2008 at 7:58pm subject: Say hello to ANGER security grid strength: Public status: pissed off tags: rant

OH MY FREAKING LORD. My father is SO FREAKING ANNOYING. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.

Ok, so I got a new iPod right? And I have to put all my music on it (duh). Well, I did that. Except there was one little problem: some of the songs I couldn't put on it because my computer "was not authroized to play those songs, therefore they could not be put on my iPod." So I was like, ok, iTunes wants to be an asshole... whatever. I can ask my father for his password, since I had bought those particular songs through his account. Sounds straight forward enough, eh? Ask Dad for password, not waste money on re-buying everything, he can change his password afterwards if he fucking wants to, everyone goes home happy.

WRONG.

I asked him three fucking days ago, and he STILL hasn't gotten back to me. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! I don't want his motherfucking credit card number, GOD. He's so fucking paranoid he won't give me his fucking password. I'M HIS OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER AND HE DOESN'T TRUST ME. (Well, I don't really blame him, but STILL.) Um, hello... it's not that fucking hard to change your motherfucking password. Besides, even if I did try to use his account, I could ONLY buy stuff off of iTunes, and I don't see the point in stealing money to do that. Music is my life, but I wouldn't go that far. PLUS, there is NO WAY I could find out his credit card number by looking at his account settings thing; iTunes stars out the whole number except for the last four digits. I can't do shit with the last four numbers of his fucking credit card number.

If he doesn't give me the fucking password by the end of today and get it fucking over with, then I am going to GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MIND OVER THE FUCKING PHONE. Yeah, I'm that pissed off. I asked him 3 MOTHERFUCKING DAYS AGO FOR THE FUCKING THING.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!1!!!1!11!!!!1!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!

This is why I'm so fucked up. IT'S ALL HIS FAULT BECAUSE HE PULLS THIS KIND OF SHIT ALL THE TIME AND I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT. He could die in a hole and I could care less, because I know if that happened to me he would care less about his own fucking daughter.
He makes $100,000 dollars a year, and he can't be bothered to pay taxes on time, pay child support on time, and he claims he doesn't have enough money to pay for me to board at OS. He is SO FUCKING SELFISH I just want to scream and smash his ugly face in with a pickax...

EDIT: He finally gave me the stupid mofo password.

After an hour long conversation on the phone.

WTF?!

And LJ is officially retarded, because I can't change the font back to normal after turning it a different color.

~transmit a response add to memory bank transmit to an ally link~

date: Thursday Mar. 20th, 2008 at 12:15am subject: La la l- SHUT UP security grid strength: Public status: frustrated music: Dance 4 Life - Tiesto tags: rant, wtf

Ok, I've officially had it... my mom drives me up a FREAKIN' WALL. ARRRRRGGGGHHH.

She's constantly moaning and bitching and complaining, and every time we sit down to dinner and my brother tries to start an intelligent conversation it winds up turning into the Ultimate Mom Vs. Son Bickering Match 2008. I hate it and I wish she'd stop. I feel bad bolting down my food and then leaving as quickly as possible, but I can't stand all the fucking bickering anymore. I wouldn't mind the occasional time or two, but this is all the fucking time. No one can even bring up intelligent conversation starters that are even remotely controversial anymore without her getting all pissy and turning a molehill into a mountain. I really want to just slap her and say, "FUCKING RELAX WOMAN LIFE ISN'T A HUGE OPINION VERSUS OPINION BATTLEGROUND." She always acts like my brother is attacking her personally when he's trying to point something out that she doesn't agree with. Seriously, if an outsider watched these stupid bickering matches without being able to hear what was being said, they'd think my brother was cursing my mom out or something. She gets that defensive and worked up, it's fucking ridiculous.

One of the worst things is, when I'm unfortunate enough to not finish my meal fast enough, she refuses to listen to anything my brother says. One of their favorite topics is President Bush. Not one of the best topics to discuss at the dinner table in the first place, but I really don't see the need to get so worked up about him. He'll be out of the White House in a matter of months now anyway. Anywho, my brother will calmly present his view about Bush, which usually consists of: he's not really that stupid, he's just in the wrong job; etc, and he'll give reasons as to why he thinks this. Immediately, my mom fires up about what a fucking dickwad asshole Bush is, yada yada yada, he stuffed firecrackers down frogs throats and watched them explode, blah blah blah... yeah, sure, that's pretty disgusting and is just another tally mark against our President, but... God, I don't know. She refuses to just step back and listen to other opinions. She absolutely refuses to acknowledge other people's opinions, and she automatically assumes that if people don't agree with her they're wrong and should go burn in hell. IT'S SO fucking IRRITATING I JUST WANT TO PUNCH A HOLE IN THE WALL. Or something... violent... or, well, whatever, you get my point.

I just don't get her anymore. She gets so worked up/freaked out/pissed off about EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME now. She's not the mom I knew when I was little. She's more like the Psycho Old Lady from the Black Lagoon or something. Just... ARGH. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL. I can't even explain it!

She sits in front of the computer/talks on the phone all day long, and then turns around and tells me, after being at school all day, to get off the computer and do 'something productive' like drawing or reading or writing or whatever, and she moans and complains and bitches about how stressed out she is. AND SHE HAS DONE NOTHING DURING THE ENTIRE COURSE OF THE DAY. She claims she's doing, er, stuff, but I have never figured out what the fuck she does do. I'm the one slaving my ass off over homework, studying, tests, classes, etc, and she's more stressed out than I am?! Something is obviously wrong in this picture. Oh, and by the way, she, who has been on the computer/talking on the phone all day while we've been working at school, doesn't bother to give us dinner (the only meal she has to serve us in the entire day) until, at the earliest, 8:30. WHAT THE FREAKING HELL?! That's one of the reasons I regularly stay late at OS; because I get dinner there at least 4 hours earlier than I would at home. WTF?! AND, she is ALWAYS late to pick me up. I'm not exaggerating. She is always AT LEAST half an hour late to pick me up. When I want her to pick me up at, say, 5, I'll call half an hour early so I can actually get home at a decent time. SOMEHOW, using her mystical powers of fagness, she STILL manages to get there at like, 6. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. I CALLED A FUCKING HALF HOUR IN ADVANCE SO YOU'D GET THERE WHEN I ACTUALLY WANTED YOU TO COME (it only takes half an hour max to get to OS from where I live), AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO BE FUCKING LATE. Holy Jesus fucking Christ in a taxicab, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Whenever I'm stuck in close proximity with her, like during car rides (yeah, even when she's fucking DRIVING she gets pissy over shit), I'll plug into my iPod to avoid hearing her bitch about random crap. It helps, slightly, but it kind of ruins the mood when I'm trying to enjoy my new Jimi Hendrix album and between each song I can hear her ranting and raving.....

Just, ugh. I'm so tired of it. I just want love and happiness and peace. My family was already torn apart by hatred and violence when my parents divorced, why does she have to make it worse?

I'm so tired of sadness and anger, I can't say it loud enough. I want to get out of here. I want to find someone who I can love and talk to without being afraid of them getting angry over trivial things, someone who will love me back, and won't expect the world from me, and will actual listen and try to help when I'm feeling down. I get none of that at home. It's a little complicated, but I miss having a father, so darn badly. I don't miss the actual man who was my father, I just miss having a male figure I can go to who will never try to get in my pants as long as he lives. Fathers can comfort in a way only they can. All of you who still have fathers that love you have no idea how lucky you are. I would do just about anything to have a father and a happy family.

Shit, I just made myself cry...

~transmit a response add to memory bank transmit to an ally link~

date: Wednesday Mar. 5th, 2008 at 9:37pm subject: Warning: Contains Rantings that are Borderline Emo/Severely Depressed. The Infinite Joys of PMS..... security grid strength: Public coordinates: anywhere but here status: crappy tags: ramble, rant

    I hate the world. Everyone is so freaking stupid. They refuse to accept the fact that they can be wrong, and they never listen to the truth even if it's blatantly obvious, and had it been a snake it would have chewed off their leg years ago. I mean, good lord, it's not that freaking hard to be like, "okay, I was wrong," and then move on with your life. I want to slap them and be like, "GET OVER YOURSELF." Seriously, just because you were wrong or made a mistake doesn't mean your life is over and everyone labels you as a retard.
    Which leads to another thing. People are so freaking quick to judge something or someone, it's disgusting. Just because it's different or you don't really understand it that well doesn't mean it's wrong or stupid. I went to a school assembly just a day or two ago, and a guy came and did some traditional African dancing and drumming. I thought it was really neat, though I wouldn't really want to do it myself. I'm just not overly interested in doing that type of stuff. But anyways; it pissed me off when he did some moves that were a little out of the ordinary, and people in the audience freaking laughed. What the hell?! You don't do that when someone has trained for years and years, and is passionate about what they do. It's just plain rude and disrespectful. How would you like it if, say, you played the bagpipes, and it was your favorite thing to do in the entire world and you would never do anything else, and after months of practicing a song you went up on stage, and the moment you started playing your heart and soul out, people laughed at you, simply because you 'looked silly' or what you were doing wasn't widely 'accepted social-wise'? That's just awful and cruel to do to a person who has dedicated a good portion of their lives to something. One is supposed to be honest and not afraid to share with the world what they love to do, but it's pretty damn difficult and disheartening when you wind up being laughed at in reward for your pains. I think that's why society is so dull, wretched, judgmental and resentful these days. The people who gave up after being scorned for trying to share their passion wind up hating those who keep going despite criticism, and they wind up hating themselves for giving in to peer pressure and abandoning the one thing that made them truly happy to be alive.
    People just plain don't know how to shut the hell up and listen. I'm sick and tired of people asking a question, and then when I try to answer it they either cut me off, get mad at me when what I'm saying is different from what they think, or just ignore me completely. I feel like asking, "then why the hell did you ask me in the first place?" when they ignore me, or refuse to believe what I'm saying, even if it IS true and any idiot  should know the answer. I mean, holy crap, is it really that hard to stop the flow of air through your vocal cords, shut your mouth, open your ears, and listen? I always try to hear the other person out, even if I know they're wrong or I don't agree with what they're saying. I hate the fact that I listen to everyone, but no one ever listens to me. You would think it would only be polite, right? Well, according to the idiots that I have to put up with, it's not, and no one cares about what you think or what you have to say. You have to tell everyone that there's a huge fire and you're all going to die a horrible death? Don't waste your breath. No one cares about anything except their own stupid, artificial, soap opera, pathetic little lives, and they won't listen to anything that involves even remotely intelligent thinking. I wonder if their parents taught them anything at all beyond crapping in the toilet instead of in their pants.

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